I didn't know I suffered from anxiety before I faced postpartum anxiety

I didn't know I suffered from anxiety before I became a mother.

On my first Mother’s day, a few months after my daughter was born, I realized I was going through something more intensive than just the normal levels of overwhelm, and anxiety.

I woke up happy and excited.

I got everything I had silently wished for: a lovely breakfast, time together, a beautiful candle as a gift.

I cried when I heard “you’re such a good mother” as it felt so good to get the recognition I had craved.

Later on that day we went to the park, it was the first warm spring day. I had all the reasons to be happy.

Suddenly anxiety took control of me. I felt so restless, uncomfortable in my own skin, angry, panicky, and trying to control things and push the growing emotions away.

I was sent home and I tried to rest but cried as I couldn’t calm myself down. Me who had over 10 years of meditation practice, and knowing so much about anxiety through my work.

I felt guilty, impostor and helpeless.

I then started realizing I was going through something more than normal emotions and behavior that I couldn’t get through on my own.

I Googled about postpartum anxiety and it all rang the bell.

• In general, I felt out of control, like everything and everyone was controlling me and my life that had changed completely.

• I felt I can't handle and control my emotions by feeling them away like I normally do.

• I was worrying a lot, living in the future or the past.

Before things were getting better they got worse, like they sometimes do.

I started getting panic attacks out of the blue while walking on the street on my own or having lunch by myself.

It was difficult for me to relax and trust the process and fully enjoy my life and time with the baby without thinking of the next thing, my work and my business, our future.

I felt so unsafe, terrified, not able to understand what was going on with me.

I tried to overcontrol things and my overwhelming emotions.

While at the same time I super happy about my baby, she was more than welcomed, a dream come true.

I loved spending time with her.

It was very black and white like it is when we deal with subconscious patterns.

As I got help from my trusted therapists and healer and started focusing on healing myself, taking time for myself and recovering, I realized I had had anxiety since I was a child.

All this led me to a transformational healing journey that helped me improve many areas of life and make my desires real.

why all this triggered:

• We had just moved to a new country, Germany. It was like a whole new planet after New York. 3 days after we moved in I knew I was expecting

• My work had been validating me, and my value externally. I had always been looking for external validation- and of course, when this was “taken away” I missed the fulfilling feeling that my work had given to me

• I still didn’t feel fully worthy, safe, successful, and lovable as I was, right there but I was always trying to achieve and earn it, in many ways

• Motherhood, the schedules, and the sleeplessness and all those emotions and my own and the generational patterns from the past triggered the mother wound

• The daily self-care practice that had been keeping me centered, sane and like my best self for years- was not existing even it would have been possible to squeeze it in: I didn’t do that when I had a chance but rushed to work, write, do the chores when I got a little bit time for myself

I didn’t really prioritize myself but was operating on that super mom mode and model most women learn from society and earlier generations.

I was surprised to see how this over-caring and over-nurturing “I can do everything and take care of everyone” role activated in me automatically, even I consider myself as a modern and independent woman.

Healing

I was able to heal the anxiety completely by doing the work with myself.

• I was getting external help and using the tools and methods I have, working relentlessly with limiting beliefs, energy and tackling the patterns that showed up along the ways.

• Anxiety was one reasons that caused me eczema I had suffered on and off since I was 12 years old.

• I healed the past relationships, subconscious blocks with energy psychology, hypnotherapy, and shadow work. I was consciously and consistently healing the heart, mind, and my energy, the inner child in me that had been rejected and abandoned - all of it.

• I became aware and broke the old patterns related to why I was not feeling safe and needed to control, but also generational patterns that had triggered it, the mother wounds.

Since then…

I am so so happy to share I am not waking up anxious anymore.

I don’t get those sudden anxiety attacks that make me clean or organize things obsessively to get myself organized.

I still feel anxious sometimes, I believe it's one feeling that we all have sometimes, but it doesn’t take control of me anymore.

The emotions pass and they stay topical, as I feel them away and don’t push or deny them.

The foundation, the bottom of the feeling is clear that’s how it feels and it feels safe, it’s lasting.

I'm not afraid to feel anxious or overwhelmed anymore.

All this was needed so I could recover, become the whole and empowered woman, mother, and entrepreneur that I am now, perfect as imperfect.

why am I sharing this

Mothers are afraid to share and communicate how they feel because no one wants anyone to think they are imperfect mothers and parents, or not loving or taking care of their children well.

As a hypnotherapist, I know how easily trauma is born and how easily we get conditioned and that terrified me what I was “doing” for my daughter. There was so much guilt and a lot of acceptance healed this.

The real reason why we don’t talk about these things that are actually quite common is simply that it requires vulnerability.

All that I went through is common.

I continuously work with myself when my daughter triggers patterns or intensive emotions in me, it’s not what she does or is but it’s how I react to things. That’s something I can control- me.

So I want to say that you are a good enough, loving, and caring mother and your children will be okay even you have issues and that you are not helpless or alone with them.

You have the power to help and heal yourself and your children will benefit from as much as you do.

That’s how you change the course of the future for your children- and how they will feel about themselves, as a child, adult, and later possibly as a parent- by breaking the patterns that may come far from previous generations.

first aid to anxiety is counterintuitive

By working and helping myself and my clients to heal anxiety, this is what I've learned:

• The root cause, the emotional root of the anxiety is always about fears, fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of happiness.

• Deep down the person doesn't somehow feel safe: Comfortable in their own skin, doesn't believe they are lovable, good enough to receive what they want with ease, hence overcontrolling, obsessing.

• They can't trust the unknown, trust the process, surrender to be in the now but constantly thinking of the future, controlling the outcome, obsessing- they tried to keep control no matter what.

• They try to control the anxiety, push it away, avoid facing the related issues, and as it's not possible it grows. It's a vicious cycle, I know.

• Anxiety is often causing autoimmune disease, sensitivities, skin issues, allergies. For me it was eczema and sensitivities, rash was right on my face.

Be with anxiety, breathe through your anxiety, accept you are anxious, feel the anxiety, feel your fears, write them down- share the fact.

The fears never go away completely but you can change the relationship with them and your future by shifting your focus elsewhere.

This is something you can do when you trust and know you are worthy and enough to have what you want and need.

• Your feelings can't really hurt you, it's a feeling.

• Denying your feelings and issues only makes them grow.

It's safe for you to feel and it's possible for you to heal yourself whole.

Please remember, you are enough and lovable even when you feel anxious and struck by fear- accept yourself as anxious in that moment is the guidance I often give to my clients.

Are you struggling with anxiety or overwhelm, or other emotional patterns that prevent you to enjoy your work or life fully?

If so I can help. You may also check out the rapid transformational healing workshops here.

Also, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this! Did you go through something similar when you became a mother? How have you overcome anxiety or issues with overwhelm?

Much love,

Jenni

P.S. If you need any help with getting unstuck, become free from the emotional and mental patterns so you can enjoy yourself, your life, and work and expand from that place, I have limited spots open for my 1:1 Stuck to Success & Flow program. We go through a unique healing process using the proven methods that help you transform your beliefs thoroughly and wholeheartedly. My next availability for the new clients is in August 2021. Book a Clarity call to get started.

Get in Sync and Manifest Good in the Moment

Many people have asked me how it is to travel and fly with an infant. Some are hesitant to travel with a child. Stella is now 8 months old and has flown several flights, been on road trips and ferry rides - all the ways of transportation there are.

Either she's used to getting out and about and going to places from the early on but she is also an easy-going and curious baby, and now socializing and making contact with other people all the time. Maybe she’s not an introvert like her mama! I had to teach myself later in life how to do it all, she seems to do it naturally or it’s just the phase, we’ll see. Anyway, she makes traveling really easy for us and clearly enjoys observing people and exploring places.

All it requires is good planning around naps and feeding, making sure there's enough quiet time for recharging and avoiding over stimulation, that she gets enough cuddles and feels emotionally safe at all times. Plus ensuring there are opportunities for taking breaks and allow her to move, crawl and practice all those things that are related to this age so she can use all the excess energy she has. 

Also, being prepared for surprises and knowing that things won't go as planned is always a good idea when traveling, whether there is a baby on board or not.

This year we had our family vacation in the South of France, in Nice and Corsica. This trip didn’t come without surprises either.

We had planned to take the car ferry from Nice to Corsica. We knew the boat was fully booked and decided to rush up from the melting hot and fully packed car deck to the lounge area to make ourselves as comfortable as we could and to reserve ourselves seats for the trip.

But… When we got to the lounge area we realized all the seats were numbered, which could only mean they should have been pre-booked. We quickly found out that our tickets only included the deck seats. Basically meaning we would be sitting 6 hours out on the deck or on the floor in the hallway with the baby. 

It was too sunny, windy and wet outside for her. Honestly, I was not too excited to sit on the floor for all that time. I wondered how feeding and naps would go in the narrow but busy hallway where people were passing us all the time. 

However, I couldn't do anything else. 

It reminded me of my low budget travels in my 20's and backpacking trips in Asia and around. The circumstances haven't always been that neat and I've slept in some interesting places.

Somehow this situation smelled like an adventure for me. Yes, family life is quite structured and I'm a personality type who gets bored easily with routine and repetition, so somehow I was able to get a kicks out of our ferry trip.

One of the things Motherhood has so gracefully taught me to let go and surrender like never before and accept what is happening in each moment.

That means that I have to stop doing what I want to, put my phone and laptop away and forget what I’ve had planned when the baby wakes up earlier and when things change suddenly and often, like they do with the kids.

I've learned to shift my mindset and let go of negative feelings on the go more than before, just rise above all that crap my mind would like to stick with. When I just can't do as much as I used to do before - using at least an hour per day to keep up my spiritual practice - I've learned to turn inwards in the moment and shift my thoughts and set intentions without the possibility of journaling or longer meditation or contemplation.

Quite often when we don't have that much time to think it all through we just get things done courageously and efficiently — the mind can’t then get on the way. Often when we think too much our mind creates all kinds of excuses and insecurities - and then we are doomed. The thing is that I had a habit to overthink and I often got stuck and start procrastinating because the inner fears and hesitations kicks in.

All this though has made me become more aware of how powerfully and quickly these conscious shifts of thinking and setting clear intentions can manifest good, and I've been enjoying to play with it.   

So when we sat on that deck I allowed myself to feel the adventure and quickly shifted my thoughts, accepted what is and decided to make it as good as the ferry ride could be. 

Me and my husband have traveled a lot so it helps that neither of us rarely make a scene when things are not going as by the book.

Later in the evening, it turned out we had the best seats in the boat!  

It turned out that the AC was either not working or didn’t even exist in the ferry.

It was melting, over 30 C degrees inside. It was intolerable and people had to escape outside to the deck with their kids and dogs.

We were enjoying cold drinks, the shade and the sea breeze that was blowing from the open doors in our secured spot. Baby napped in the carrier ( a must have to help with babies on the go and at home too) and as I'm still breastfeeding feedings on the go works easily. 

When we are conscious about our thoughts and feelings we can set intentions, shift our mindset and let go of the stressful feelings in the very moment. It always works miraculously and instantly... That is how our energy attracts things and what we put out there comes back to us. All what it requires is self-awareness, self-knowledge and good emotional habits, ability to observe and choose how to respond and react to the events of life.

For example in this situation I could have said “I knew this trip was going to be a disaster. This is just so typical for us, we always….” and then blame and pass it on to my husband, “Why you didn’t book the seats beforehand?” The outcome would have been different.

Now, to learn how to manifest good in the moment, the first thing is to become aware and learn how to change the stories that you tell yourself and your habitual inner beliefs that are mostly not true.

You see, there’s 50-50 chance that anything good or bad can happen in the future or the next moment. It’s 100% better to believe and trust you are always getting the good and the best outcome. No one knows for sure what will happen in the future. Even when the obstacles occur, it’s crucial to learn out of it and have faith there’s a reason for it and move on.

Download the free guide to learn more how to start making changes from inside out and how to release and let go of the stories and start raising your awareness and ability to consciously manifest good in your life.

My journey to emotional freedom

Like most parents, I want my daughter to have a wonderful, happy childhood and to be the best mama I can be for her. 

In my last blog I shared how becoming a mother drove me to the next level of spiritual growth and awareness.

I’ve recently discovered cultural and ancestral patterns that have been running in my family for generations. That means I’ve worked with old wounds that crawled up from my subconscious along with motherhood. Yes, I'm diving into the depths of self-healing.

I’m highly motivated to do this work because I don’t want to pass my old stories and limiting beliefs on to my daughter. I want better for her, and when I do the work everyone, both me and my family, will benefit from it greatly. 

Already before her birth, I knew what I want to teach my child about life.

• I want her to learn she’s good enough and capable of achieving whatever she decides to do in her life.

• I want her to know it’s okay to make mistakes; challenges can be overcome and embraced as important milestones of growth.

• I want her to learn how to feel her feelings so she can be her authentic self and express herself easily.

It’s important for me to show her that these skills are the greatest drivers of creating a happy and meaningful life.

It’s all what I didn’t learn until later in my adulthood when I started my own journey of growth and consciously creating the life I want to live.

I am also (almost painfully) aware my daughter will have her own life lessons she needs to learn and I cannot protect her or smooth the way for her completely, no matter how much I may want to.

But I can do my share and consciously change the conditioning that is not serving her or me.

As I have chosen to do this work, I get to learn and release these patterns in everyday life.

My first Mother’s Day was quite an emotional one.

There were expanded feelings of happiness and joy when I got to spend the day with my little family, who pampered me so sweetly.  

There were also sudden feelings of self-doubt and anxiety, that I had not been able to recognize before. 

Instead of ignoring these intense feelings, I stopped to bring awareness to them and to find out what kind of stories lie behind these feelings.

I worried whether I can ever be a good enough mama to her as I feel flawed, vulnerable, and imperfect. 

These uncomfortable feelings revealed a huge insight for me:

I realized that if I don’t let my daughter see me as I am — and able to receive her love fully — I would be abandoning her emotionally and rejecting her love.

Then I as a parent would repeat exactly what I was unconsciously taught in my childhood: love needs to be earned and if I just give, give, give and be a perfect, good girl, then I’d be lovable.

It was a huge breakthrough for me to finally find the root cause for the fear of abandonment and the lack of sense of belonging. Both these have caused me all kinds of struggle, disease, relationship issues and fears. 

It took a while for me to understand how I had not been able to, and how difficult it was for me to fully receive love.

After realizing all this and changing my limiting beliefs, stories and patterns — and the energies related to them — I soon felt lighter and confidently rooted within my own being.

Now when I bond with my little girl I feel at ease. Looking at her loving eyes doesn’t make me hesitate any more. I started feeling deeper connection not only with her but with my husband, my parents and family - and especially with myself.

Self-acceptance and the ability to receive love are the foundations of deep and intimate relationships with ourselves and others.

By being our authentic selves and showing that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, our kids, and we as adults can learn to accept ourselves and understand we are good enough and lovable as we are. It’s never too late to start making these changes. 

When we choose to take responsibility and do the inner work it shifts our energy, helps to heal relationships and allows us to become free to do and be our authentic selves.

And that’s powerful and something many people are craving for, because when these old stories and conditioning are changed, you can change your habits; get healthy; release physical conditioning, limiting fears and blockages that prevent you from creating a happy, fulfilling life that looks and feels like you.

When we face any kind of difficulties with others one of the greatest questions we can ask ourselves is:

How am I creating this? 

I know it's not easy to take responsibility when it feels like everyone else is creating the issues or like life is resisting your aims. It takes some courage to ask this question of yourself and be willing to recognize and face the truth behind it.

But if you dare to take the path to growth and listen carefully, you will get insightful answers and your own wisdom and guidance will help move you forward. 

Changing ourselves is the only way to affect and change others. I’ve seen this happening in my own life and my clients' lives over and over again. 

Your happiness and wellbeing depends on you. You are not your limited by how or where you grew up or what others do.

Your life is your creation and in the same way you have created it so far, you can make changes and redesign it consciously. You only need to make the choice and get started.

Much love, Jenni

P.S. If you like this blog, head HERE to order my newsletter it was originally shared with my readers. When you subscribe you will get free resources, inspiration, guidance and much more.

RELATED BLOG: Are you repeating your parent's mistakes or your old family patterns?

Are you waiting for the right time and things be perfect?

Hello!

It’s been a while since I sat down to write to you. Having baby Stella at the end of December started a completely new phase of life, and a life-long duty, called motherhood. I have loved being with the little one and having a family has changed my life in so many good ways.

Baby is now on her long afternoon nap and the house is quite a mess. My mind reminded me there are tons of “better” things to do than sit down to write to you, which I have tried to finish I don’t know how many times.

Before her birth I planned to take a few months off from working with clients and enjoy this precious time and possibility to be with her, while writing and taking care of the other side of my business aside. I have this urge to create and contribute and I’m used to work a lot -- it’s simply part of my nature and I love what I do.

It’s been a challenge to combine these two desires.

The last months have been transformational: basically all areas of life have demanded adjustments and inner work, while going through a massive personal upgrade and identity change that motherhood often puts us through.

I’m lucky I had a chance to stay at home and take time to be with the baby, heal after the birth and take my time to adjust for the first couple of months. (It should be a birthright for the new moms and their babies.)

After things got a little steadier and I had more time, it started weighing on me why I didn’t take time for myself and do what’s important to me.

I had crafted a solid, easygoing plan on how to get started again. Baby is sleeping on schedule, so I pretty much know when and how much time I have. My husband is happy to be with the baby after work and on the weekends.

I ran out of excuses, so I stopped to see what was going on.

• I was comparing myself to others… when I looked at other people with newborn children in social media I thought what’s wrong with me. They seemed to have everything in order and were living a picture-perfect life, there were no signs of greasy hair or old yoga pants.  

• Continuous distractions got me off track... When I got back to it this highly critical inner voice said what I’d created is not good enough, so I started writing something else and then ended up not finishing anything.

• I waited for a better time... when this chaos and overwhelm would pass; baby getting through growth spurts; learning to eat from the bottle; when I have a babysitter and so forth…  

I didn’t give myself permission to start until everything would be perfect.

I have a lot to share about this so called “mom guilt” that hit me, the need to be perfect, irreplaceable, micromanage and do something all the time, mainly to show myself that I'm a good enough mother, and not abandoning my child if I take some time for myself.

I realized there will always be something going on and life with kids is overwhelming and chaotic, but also fun and happy.

So I decided…

… to stop letting these learned ideals, patterns and my inner stories control me.

… to stop cleaning the house out of the “mom habit” when the baby sleeps.

… 15 minutes is a long time and I work when I can. When I can’t, I relax.

… it’s finally time to let go of perfectionism. I simply don’t have time for it anymore.

I gave myself a permission to do things I want to do and adjust it all to this new life.

If we are not trying and doing what calls us, we never know what’s possible.

If we let fear-based stories lead life or if we constantly compare ourselves to others it certainly destroys creativity and courage and we never dare to put ourselves out there.

It doesn’t matter at what stage of life you are or what you want to do. May it related to your career, relationships, your personal goals or big dreams. You got to start from somewhere.

Are you waiting until things are perfect? To get started, ask yourself:

• What are your excuses or stories that you tell yourself?

• Are you sure they are true?

• If you took action now, how would it make you feel?

To make this blog happen I sought advice from my blog on how to boost productivity by using this brilliant method that helps you remove distractions and resistance, and get things done fast when time is limited. Read it here

Let me know in the comments below if this resonates.

Love, Jenni

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The Glad Show with Dr. Laura Brayton: The birth of a mother

What to expect and how to prepare your business and yourself to motherhood 

Dr. Laura Brayton is a holistic chiropractor, author, and speaker, she is extremely passionate about supporting the health and wellness of families. Dr. Brayton writes on health-related topics and is a lecturer for various holistic groups, including childbirth education centers, and new moms’ groups.

She has a podcast called “Well-Adjusted Mama” to educate and to empower women preconception through early motherhood on wellness lifestyle. In September 2017, she gave birth to her son, Finley, in the most amazing experience of her life.

Many women contemplate and hesitate how to have and manage it all: maintain a successful career, business, and relationship while becoming a mother while knowing life will change completely with the baby. 

Becoming a mother is an identity shift, one of the most significant physical and psychological changes women ever go through. 

The inner and outer expectations are often too high and unrealistic, which makes the whole process even harder if women don't have enough information on how to make right decisions for themselves, insight into emotions and what kind of challenges to prepare before and after the birth. 

On this episode, Laura is sharing what she has learned with working with women and new moms during over 13 years and her own experiences and challenges she faced with becoming a mother.  

• What most women don't know when they step into motherhood

• Why it's important to face the inner fears and learn how to let go of them already in the pre-conception phase

• How to deal with the comparison, guilt, shame, and frustrations when things are not going as planned

• How to let go of unrealistic expectations of the ideal, perfect mother

• The key things to staying well, centered, and the secret to handling it all

• The business strategy, financial planning, and preparations for the maternity leave

Watch the interview here

Listen to the audio here

Once you have watched or listened to the show, we would love to hear from you!

Feel free to ask questions or share your own experience on this important topic in the comments below!

This episode is great for anyone interested in what women go through before and after becoming a mother and how to prepare for it holistically.

If you know anyone who would love this episode, please share online and with your friends!

Read more about Laura’s work at http://drlaurabrayton.com/

Love, 
Jenni

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