How to stop over-giving and start receiving what you deserve

When you over-give, you probably lack boundaries, and it can feel like someone is taking advantage of you, rejecting you, or even bullying you- somehow using you and your kindness for their benefit.

Also, it often feels that you need to bend, please and prioritize other people’s emotions over yours- like you don’t matter, which is quite frustrating.

This can create an unwanted fight, flight or freeze reaction that triggers your old hurt, anger, and unhealed wounds.

You might believe that you get back the same by giving a lot.

A typical example is a couple repeating the same arguments, stories, and blames repeatedly. Then there's peace for a little while; you hope you got over it, and then the same hopeless painful cycle happens again.

Another example would be that you have worked hard for your project but still didn't get the promised raise. You feel frozen in the situation and don't know what to do, so you don't do anything, but it increases resentment and injustice.

Or you raise your fees, and in the sales calls, you slip the old fee or give them a discount without them even asking for it, and later you want to bite your tongue and try to work with your mindset, but that's not helping.

The third example could be that whenever you try to make your child do something you have asked for, and they are not doing it, you lose your nerve and start yelling, which doesn't work either. It only adds up guilt and makes you feel powerless and tense.

All this makes your mind conspire about the old stories of how they are impossible, things won't ever change, and you can't do anything about it.

This is when people feel stuck and hopeless and start struggling with insecurities and confidence.

All you want is connection, comfort, and feel safe and knowing how to change your situation.

This is possible, but repeating the same doesn’t work.

We need to look deeper and work with our inner dialogue and strategies rather than trying to force the change and yell louder to be seen and heard- to feel that we matter and to get what we truly desire.

What keeps us repeating the SAME harmful and painful patterns comes from the unconscious mind: earlier in life, we learn the dynamics that we repeat decades later.

If we are unaware of our inner dialogue, unable to heal and accept our past experiences, our super fast and powerful brain repeats the learned behaviors and old limiting stories every time the right emotions are triggered.

THAT keeps us stuck and struggling- if it's not consciously released.

Here's one example.

One of my clients struggled with the fear of rejection and conflict.

She was afraid of confrontation and speaking up her mind.

This caused her issues at work, she never got support from her bosses, and her professional knowledge was not recognized or praised, verbally or financially.

In her relationships, she ended up pleasing others and giving away her power in different situations, being a nice, good girl who could not keep any boundaries that would fulfill her real needs.

In her childhood, she was constantly rejected by her strict father, overpowered to obey, and shouted quiet. She learned that being quiet and doing her own things without sharing with anyone, feeling that she did not belong anywhere.

Certain events related to her father in her childhood caused her never to learn to trust others fully, not even friends.

She felt disconnected from her relationships and socially isolated. She played it safe and picked people who were unavailable in one way or another. And, of course, she could not get the closeness and the love she wanted and needed.

When we finished working with her, she released the need for fear. She felt at ease in expressing herself and her needs calmly, without the old anger bursts she had.

She was able to recognize her own self-worth and value with high confidence, and therefore was able to set boundaries not only help her but her partner and family.

Even in situations that could cause confrontations, she was able to speak up, knowing the other people were responsible for their emotions and reactions, and understanding that their responses are also led by their own learned stories.

That helped her make life-long changes in all areas of life.

Do you have clear, healthy boundaries with yourself, with your spouse, your kids, and at work?

Here are three questions that can help you stop over-giving and start receiving:

• In what situations do you lack boundaries or over-give, or neglect your own needs?

• How does it make you feel when this happens?

• Where and how did you learn this?

• How do you want to change and be?

• What kind of boundaries do you need to set for yourself?

• How can you practice receiving more?

Without clarity, you can't see things clearly and make any changes, so if this resonates, take time to work through these questions.

P.S. If it feels like other people or your unwanted behaviors and blocks control your life too much, and you are ready to get your power back, I can help. Feel free to book a clarity call with me. I this call we create clarity in your situation and make a plan how to change things around.

Setting boundaries is the key to preventing burnout and exhaustion

The voice in your head says: I don’t want this anymore.

But you don’t listen, even if it doesn’t feel good or right, but you continue putting other people’s needs or work ahead of your own needs, priorities or well-being. 

Adding more things to your never-ending to-do list feels exhaustion, and all those demands terrify you. 

The overwhelm starts to drive you. It feels easier to push aside the negative feelings and try to keep up day by day.

It can be easier to blame life’s busyness, other people’s demands, or the job we don’t like than face the difficulties and how you feel. 

If any of this feels familiar, you are not alone.

I know how all this feels. In the end, it is not about the others or busyness, though and there’s a solution to how you can turn things around and create balance.

10 years ago, I faced a massive burnout.

After separating from a 7-year relationship that felt like a divorce, I decided to put my all into my career. I also created a wild social life, trying to take back the years of the lost youth and years that I had stayed in an unhappy relationship.

It didn’t feel right then, but I didn’t know what else to do or where to go. 

I had no idea how to connect with my cacophonic mind and deal with grief, shame, and betrayal.

So I just tried to numb it, avoid it all, and keep myself going and giving and hoping one day I would be rewarded for all that...

Within a year, things were spiraling down fast. I didn’t know I needed help; maybe because I didn’t know who to turn to, who could help.

I felt isolated and lonely even when there were people around me. I pushed close people away. I was sick all the time and struggled with insomnia and restlessness.

I had heard my inner voice whispering all night that I was exhausted from working late in the evenings  - every minute of my day was scheduled. But I didn’t know another way to be; my life felt empty and meaningless when I did- so I couldn’t stop myself. 

I was so exhausted and afraid I would drop from the tightrope.

one morning, I tried to leave for work after coming back from a short work trip to Paris in the middle of the night.

I couldn’t leave but collapsed on the couch, and the tears I had waited for a year finally came.

I decided it was not the day to drop and put the mask on and left to work, even though I felt shaken by what had happened.

It opened my eyes, and I started making the changes, prioritizing myself and setting boundaries as I realized I was in the lead, and if I didn’t have my well-being, I had nothing.

It took a long time to find ways to heal and keep the balance, but I learned to recognize when my stress levels were getting too high, I couldn’t take it anymore. My nervous system felt sensitized and reactive.

Getting to know yourself, your mind, your habits and your patterns is the key to balance, success and well-being, and your boundaries.

As a  multi-passionate, creative entrepreneur and an empath and intuitive, my energies are often high, and I need a lot of grounding and isolation. I am number 7 in Enneagram, Manifesting Generator in Human Design, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD.

My highest values are changed, love, freedom, and integrity, which lead to everything I do.

I’ve been a people pleaser and struggled with over-giver syndrome and perfectionism all my life. I know all the women in my family have suffered from this; I was raised into unhealthy attachments and have dived deep into healing intergenerational patterns from the body and unconscious mind.

It’s incredibly empowering to heal and learn to choose oneself.

When we change the inner messaging and become aware of our thoughts, behaviors and feelings, we can make the needed changes.

It’s the self-awareness that I have consciously grown and the boundaries that help me react and respond immediately when I notice the signs: the feelings, thought patterns and behaviors that are red flags for me and trying to pull me back to the past, old habits. 

I’ve learned nothing else matters more than prioritizing my well-being and health and making time for daily self-care, tools and strategies that help to recharge and create balance on the go.

The other day I was working with a client, and she asked So, HOW do I set the boundaries?

Here’s how you start setting long-lasting boundaries:

• Start taking notes when you hear yourself saying, “I don’t want this”, “It’s too much”, and you continuously override your own will and desires and resist your well-being. 

• When someone or something repeatedly makes you feel bad, guilty, critical or judgemental - then it’s time to set a boundary and practice expressing them confidently.

• When you notice a pattern or behavior repeating in your life, instead of judging or criticizing yourself, sit down to work on it.

• Take notes and recognize the triggers. Ask how you want to change it.

• When a similar situation or feeling comes, slow down and take time to breathe and listen to yourself what would be right for you?

Knowing your boundaries means knowing when to say a brave yes or no.

You are the one you should please in the first place.  

Saying no actually leads to success. Having personal boundaries makes you feel good about yourself and standing in your power.

You have the power to stop the negative cycles and to heal the past wounds that have kept you repeating them. 

What kind of boundaries do you need? What kind of boundaries have been helpful for you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Love Jenni x

P.S. If you are ready to stop trying to find and keep the balance with work-life and are struggling with overwhelm and exhaustion, I can help. Book your free Clarity call here to get started.